I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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