Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
