i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
