need another drink. this is the easiest way
grandma shit on top of the toilet
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
