I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
