the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
