did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
