Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
