i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
