Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
