We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
