with your own penis?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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