last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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