Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
