i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
