I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
