"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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