He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
