i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
