mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
