Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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