I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
