woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
