Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my shit smells like andre
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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