wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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