No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
