just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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