he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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