I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
