stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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