He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
