I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
