the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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