Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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