theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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