i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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