Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
