he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
