Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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