I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
