I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
