Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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