Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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