I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
