big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
