we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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