Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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