Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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