And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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