If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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