Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
